In God's Hands

My heart sunk as I looked at the test. I had no clue how to start any of the problems. They were familiar in one way shape or form but as a whole I didn't know anything. I had prayed and studied for this test as I had no other test before. In my mind everything depended on how well I did on the test. I had asked God specifically to use this test as a guide. Before handing the test in I quickly calculated the grade I thought I would get; I was prepared for a 5%. 

As the week following the test progressed I was sent into a spiral of figuring out what to do with my life. Where was God leading me? This question plagued me like no other. I wanted to switch to an audit but I missed the deadline. I decided  to drop the class but how could I my job depended on it. It seemed as though I was stuck. Not only that, my boss was out of town and I couldn't talk to him. Had I been taking this class for myself I would have dropped it weeks ago. Not only was I failing but it seemed like my job was suffering as well. I didn't spend the time that was needed in order to prepare for lab or class. Before this class my students were my primary concern. I wanted my classes to be God focused and I wanted to be there for my students.When I started my class my focus shifted off of my students onto myself. By the time Monday came around I had made up my mind to drop my class, there seemed no other way.

My professor pulled me aside to talk to me after class on Monday about my midterm. She said that she would do anything to help me and that she didn't want me to fail. I said I just wanted to drop the class. There was silence for a few minutes and when she did speak it was with slight disappointment. In the end she was willing to let me drop the class. She understood that it was more than I could handle at the time. She is one of the most amazing professors I have ever had she was concerned not only with how I was doing grade-wise but after finding out I wanted to drop the class she was concerned with my job and if it was still possible for me to keep my job. I praise God that I was able to have such a caring professor.

Friday I had a meeting with my boss and it was approved that I was able to drop the class (that meeting itself is worthy of its own post). The relief and joy that I felt is beyond comparison. I had been carrying a burden for weeks and suddenly it was gone. It was if the dark clouds that were around me suddenly cleared and again I could see the sun. 

Monday I submitted the withdraw request. I had searched all over the website for a deadline and the only one I had found was for the extension program which said I had until the last class. I didn't go to class on Monday I had no reason to, or so I thought. Tuesday I found out that the deadline had been the second of November and it was the fourteenth. I explained my situation in an email hoping that the circumstances warranted dropping the class. I explained how I was failing and that it was affecting my job; I didn't bother to go into any detail on this point.  

Wednesday came about and I was expecting to get an email approving my withdrawal. I was putting up curtains in my room and my phone buzzed. I had an email! When I saw the contents of the email I burst into tears. "Unfortunately, as stated on page 2 of our print catalog, “[r]equests for late action due to academic reasons…will not be approved” in regards to withdrawing from an Open Campus class." I didn't even know about the in print catalog. I called the number in the email to petition the action. I wrote another email explaining how it was affecting my job. I also looked at the clock. It was too late to make it to class. Everything seemed to be falling apart.

Later that day the office called me back and I explained again how this class was taking up my time teaching. I also told her that my professor approved of me dropping the class. This statement shocked her. She said she would read through my emails again and decide whether or not I could withdraw. 

The next 24 hours were some of the worst and best 24 hours I have ever experienced up until this point. I am so glad that the answer didn't come right away because this experience has shown me what it means, in a deeper sense, to surrender my will and follow God's. I began praying that God's will be done but in my heart the only way I could see out of this mess was for the withdraw request to go through. I didn't want to think of the possibility that God would have it any other way. I couldn't even look at the homework assignment because as I tried I just began crying. This class was affecting my mental health. To think of trying to pick up where I had left off seemed impossible. God is truly bigger than the impossible.

Last night I had two dreams. The first dream I was able to withdraw from the class and everything was well. The second my request was denied. I woke up in the middle of writing an email to my professor asking for an incomplete. 

This morning as I sat down to do my devotions I could only think about my problem. Finally a God inspired thought slipped among all of my other thoughts. "Who is God?" What a great question! I began to write down who God is. Why was I so worried about my little problem when I serve the creator of the universe? Why was I so worried about my little problem when God controls the motion of the planets? Why was I so worried about my little problem when God knit me in my mother's womb and from the very beginning has had a plan for my life? Dwelling on God took my mind away from the problem and reminded me of the God I serve. 

I also read Psalm 70. As I read this Psalm it was exactly my prayer to God. Particularly as I read verses 4 and 5 "Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: and let such as love thy salvation say continually, Let God be magnified.But I am poor and needy: make haste unto me, O God: thou art my help and my deliverer; O LORD, make no tarrying." I determined that I wanted God to be magnified and not Erin. I finally surrendered my will to His. If the request went through it would be because it magnified God. If the request was denied it would be because it would magnify God. 

When I started this post I didn't know whether or not my request was approved. It didn't matter because in the end, whatever decision had been made, God was the one in control. I was in the hands of God and not a person that I had never met. In the middle of the post I decided to write an email to my professor thanking her for helping me so much. As my account opened I saw that I had received an email approving my request to withdraw from the class. It was only by God's grace that this came about and I know that it is truly a miracle.